Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
