i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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