That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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