Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
