He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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