my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
