dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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