if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize