We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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