I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
