I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
