so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
