I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
