I bet he comes in French.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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