I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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