Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
