Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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