you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
