I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
