In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
