my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
high people should be assigned attendants
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
