You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
