My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize