I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
