I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
