Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
