I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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