I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Randomize
