note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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