Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
