I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Randomize
