....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
