Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
