My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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