Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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