sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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