My friends, they love my intelligence
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize