we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize