you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
