My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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