living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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