i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
