sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
