I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
