Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
