you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
