Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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