I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
