Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
