I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
