I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
