Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
