For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
