Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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