You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
