Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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