hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
