LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
