based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
