That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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